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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Billy Connolly |
Well, a lot of politics is communicating with people, and obviously comedy has something to do with that. I've been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you're under pressure.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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Rodney Dangerfield |
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
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David Letterman |
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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Steven Wright |
Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.
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Mel Brooks |
It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.
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Wanda Sykes |
I must have a drink of breakfast.
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W. C. Fields |
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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George Burns |
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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George Burns |
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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George Burns |
My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago.
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George Gobel |
If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice.
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George Gobel |
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
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George Burns |
I watched every single Charlie Chaplin film.
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Chevy Chase |
Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand.
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Chevy Chase |
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